Lipkin Arina Jurevna

 

I can not make a choice between children and favourite on the party

Hello, Arina. I want to tell the story, to hear the answer and to understand that to me to do further. Though inherently – the history is banal. Has got acquainted with the future wife 14 years ago, have got married in 2 years. In three years after wedding have left under my initiative. Life was not took, tormented shame before the wife; has confessed, in half a year have converged again. In 2007 the first daughter was born. In 2010 the second.

And in 2010, leaving for new work, has met Her. It during that moment was married, but children were not. The mutual sympathy in half a year has outgrown in huge mad love, mutual feelings, vzroshchennye not only on passion, but on the help, understanding and respect. Soon I have left this work, but we continued to meet, call up. The wife has learnt. Wild scandal,a terrible devastation, a failure in all. Did pauses in meetings with favourite, thought that will pass, but is not present. Dries from within.

Sad, but a natural result: the favourite has got divorced from husband, but to be the mistress does not want. And I am am jarred on by this word “mistress”. There is in it something shameful. It not the mistress, and favourite, the friend, the person whom you live and you breathe. The family is necessary to it. Constant relations. Stability. I very well feel it, even on distance I know, what mood at it or a condition. She too loves me, but, being the person extremely pragmatic, has begun searches of “partner in life”. Suggested to leave, whether asked a question “I can to divide it with someone?”. I do not know. Would answer categorically “is not present earlier!”. Now I do not know. It seems to me, I turn to a rag.

It is necessary to work, operate the company, to build relations with partners, to advance, grasp, go. And I do not have forces. And the desire too is not present. It would be desirable simply to cease to breathe.

Children. My perfect daughters madly adored, asking in the evenings that I have kissed them, has wrapped up, has told a fairy tale. prokatil by the car, has called in with them in cafe-ice-cream, has played, pobesilsja, has embraced. I cannot throw, leave them without heat of the loving father. To the wife of love is not present. Attachment, respect (though what, to hell, respect if behind her back to the such I get up?) and it is more than anything. In total here also you will not tell. I was lost, prompt where to go?

Andrey, Novosibirsk, Russia, 37 years

The answer:

Hello, Andrey.

I can not tell that you were lost. You were covered with it, have explained yourself the position. It is convenient. The person who was lost, is lost and needs the help-support. You do not wish to make the decision at which, undoubtedly, there will be other interactions with children under the form, but not as a matter of fact. You do not want to accept risks. But the risk consists not that you get divorced from children. You do not leave from children. In case of divorce it becomes more difficult to you to communicate with them, more difficult to adjust a new mode, the schedule, but it is realised, it is possible. Now you do not understand that as a result remain with yourself – you will lose relations with darling, will stay in the deformed partnership with the wife who can theoretically find other man the next years because its requirements for affinity are not satisfied in marriage, your children will gradually understand and accept such scenario of a family – a deceit, emotional, intimate remoteness of parents from each other, alarm, uncertainty (something is hidden, something occurs, but the child/teenager does not understand what exactly, and as consequence – fear, mistrust, uncertainty). If in your private life there was such situation and it long enough, crisis is inevitable, when it is necessary to make decisions. To save as is to you it will not be possible. You will not lose children, and here relations – quite can. Consult with the family psychologist concerning divorce and the psychological help, reaction of children how to be prepared, what to expect, as it is correct to supervise a situation.

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