How to adjust relations with the favourite?

 

Help to adjust relations with darling. We live together year, we meet 2 years. While met, all was good: understood each other, planned on the future, cared. After the beginning of joint life all not at once, but has changed for the worse. He began to drink more, on my requests promises not to drink, but continues to drink. Does not warn, when is late with friends. In sex at me became less desires after quarrels, he accuses me of it. He does not consider that in relations something not so, but seems to me that all has got bad, we any more do not understand each other. How to adjust relations with the favourite?

Hello.

If darling drinks, promises not to drink and continues it to do, it looks, as a typical picture of alcoholism. It seems that the alcoholic is an inadequate person who rolls under a fence and looks it is a pity, but it not so: criterion of alcoholism is the regular alcohol intake, two times in a week or it is more. The alcoholic will not stop to drink only because it about it is asked by the wife or the girl. Thousand and thousand wives of alcoholics were already convinced of it. Do not make the same mistake.

Answering your question «how to adjust relations with favourite», I would pay your attention what to adjust relations with the alcoholic very difficultly, it is almost impossible. If you want to save relations with this person, it is better to address in the society nearest to you Is scarlet-anon (this analogue of a society of anonymous alcoholics where relatives of dependent people gather) or simply to communicate to other wives of alcoholics at forums on this theme. Timely reception of the information can save you from many problems.

As to that you each other do not understand, it is really important to understand it to adjust relations with the favourite. What means «to understand each other» in your representation? For many to understand each other means to concede to desires of another and to carry out its requests. While people meet, it to make not difficultly. When people start to live together, requests of other person often consist in changing way of life, habits, interests. Such requests to execute already hardly.

It is good, if the person can directly refuse to do that you want. Then you, at least, know that it will not make it. But some people (and it is especially peculiar to alcoholics) at the moment of the promise not sorazmerjajut, it will be how much difficult to satisfy it the request and when business reaches promise performance, understand what to do it do not want, and do not do. Other person naturally very much angers, when that agrees, promises, and then does not do that promised. Here it is necessary to understand with ability of the one who promises and does not do, to tell “is not present”, when he does not agree with the requirement or the request. Such ability simplifies relations and does not call so a lot of rage, as default of promises.

However in concept «to understand each other» enters also to understand interests and desires of other person even if they disperse from yours. When adult people start to live together, they find out that they have desires contradicting each other, interests and belief. To understand another – means to recognise behind it the right to be such what it is, and not to change everything that in it it is not pleasant to you. It happens difficult to accept, as many, especially women, having married, believe that the man should change and correspond to their expectations. It almost never occurs, from here it is a lot of disappointments and quarrels.

As to the general recommendations how to adjust relations with darling I would advise:

1. To understand what claims at you to each other. It seems that it is obvious, but actually spouses, as a rule, cannot repeat requests and requirements of other party. It is better to write down the requests on a paper and to ask to make the same of the partner. Make it by rules of brain storm: write down everything, without criticising and throwing out nothing from the list.

2. After that it is necessary to define that it is possible to make for performance of these requests or claims. Some reproaches happen incorrigible, for example «why you have not made my the proposal on half a year earlier?». Such claims only worsen relations and it is better to refuse them. Think and ask favourite that you can make to execute its wishes. It not such simple conversation as you not always want to carry out desires of the partner. Then you can offer the variant of performance of its request and by negotiations to come to such decision which would suit both.

3. It is necessary to track further, whether the partner carries out, and whether you carry out that both have solved. If is not present, it is important to understand, why so occurs: you have promised what cannot and do not want to execute, or simply forget? Consider that for change of a habit not enough one decision, is necessary some times, without being irritated, to remind of the accepted decision, other habit will not be generated yet.

Usually such process of a finding of compromises and the decisions arranging both, also makes the basic maintenance of the first period of joint life. It normally, naturally also happens almost at all pairs, at one to rough findings-out, at others is quieter. If you see that you do not manage to reach compromises, and relations spoil more and more, address to the family psychotherapist. 3-4 sessions usually allow to adjust communications between partners, and further you can already continue to solve arising problems together.

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